I've been comparing myself to others too much lately.

And you know that never turns out well. Things just haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped. I've been in New York what, a month? And I still haven't been discovered. LE SIGH.

This city is hard on me. It's loud and dirty and there are people everywhere. I'm not pushing myself as hard as I should be, and that's a hard thing to realize. Why aren't I? I just get so scared, I think. Of everything. And I'm lazy too - I'd rather sleep late than do anything else. I've been having more "down" days since I've been here than I have in a while. And maybe they've been harder than usual to pull myself out of.

I don't like all the uncertainty. Bill Butler's assistant called me last Thursday I think it was, apologized for not getting back to me sooner (busy with the Golden Globes and all that), and told me Bill had given my name to another agent at Gersh who was going to give me a call. And she hasn't yet. And I didn't quite catch her name so I can't call a leave a message with her, even if I should do that. And if she does call, then what should I do? What should I be doing to prepare? I mean, I do want this, all of this, don't I?

'Unveiling' at Princeton started rehearsing yesterday. This is going to be a lot of individual work on my part - we're only doing two more rehearsals before tech week (probably largely due to me, since it's so far for me travel).

But back to the subject. I've just been feeling a little less than everyone else. Less intelligent, less funny, less fashionable, less driven, less talented, weighing more, less interesting. I know this is not a road I want to go do, but I just don't know quite yet what will help me snap out of it.

Since Mitch is writing a blog entry, I guess I will too.

To fill the time while I wait for him to finish so we can go out for a walk. It's lovely here today - sunny and warmer (52 degrees) and, the best of all, windy. When my weather.com widget just says "windy" for the day.. oh my heart it goes all pitter-patter. Remember when you were a little kid, and if you could be an "element"/superpower/whatever, I would always choose wind. Or air, depending on the game. Well, sometimes water if it was summer and I was in love with swimming pools. Incomprehensible tangent completed, I think we're going to go into Central Park, so we'll go east and then south. We're due east from the big Jackie O. reservoir; and a whole lotta east, don't forget that. Maybe I'll get a hot dog.

So yes, Mitch has a blog now: www.thegrampusandfriends.com. It's to promote the showcase of his plays two NYU students are putting up - they all know each other from the Princeton Summer Theatre last season. Mitch is kind of the producer for it, and he had this idea to make a website to solicit donations for it. You should check it out. I'll even give you a preview of the next post - Hawaiian music!

This is my new favorite celebrity couple. Hm, what was my last favorite celebrity couple? Posh and Becks? We'll go with them. So of course I would very much like to see Uncle Vanya, even though it is not a favorite play of mine. But maybe that's because I read it in, what, Acting/Directing I? And saw snippets of it acted then and so, of course that won't leave good memories of it for anyone. I very much liked Mr. Sarsgaard (I'm going to start writing in the style of the New York Times - no first names EVER) as Trigorin in The Seagull; a favorite part and a very good production and he was very, very nice in it all.

Other things I need to see: The Cherry Orchard and A Winter's Tale, both at BAM. English and American actors in this crazy repertory-like company doing classics - very good. So that's two. Will Ferrell's one-man Bush-impersonation extravaganza? Eh, maybe not. My friend Danielle's show, Amadeus, at the Heights players in Brooklyn. Hedda Gabler? Though that's not received stellar reviews.

Speaking of all these things that require money, hopefully I'll have a job soon. I'm going to do a trial day with Jo and little Arthur tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Also, Lauren, whom I met with a while ago about afterschool pick-up for her daughter (but who went with a friend of someone, so how can I compete with that), got back to me and asked if I could meet again. So two possibilities.

We went out to Cafe D'Alsace last night to enjoy some Restaurant Week (read: month) cheap eats. Lunches for $24.07 and dinners for $35 all over the city. This place is very close to us, so we went the easy route our first time out. It was very lovely. He had the potato salad topped with oozy goat cheese, the fettucine with duck, and profiteroles and ice cream. She had the warm leeks, the filet mignon and frites, and the cheesecake with delicious fruity sauce. They shared a half-bottle of red wine. They believe their waiter was a struggling actor. They tipped him well. She slept till 1 today.

Ugh, Mitch isn't done yet. He's also breathing kind of heavy so I'm worried he's stressed out. Oh well, no help. IT'S JUST A BLOG ENTRY, SWEETIE. (We're sitting next to each other on the futon; maybe he'll see that; ooh, or maybe I hope he won't.) Well, I guess I will do some breaking of the fast in preparation for the walk. And some more reading of Les Mis, of which I am on like page 1340 of 1440. It's very exciting. Except for ALL the historical digressions, it's a wonderful story and I've very much enjoyed reading it. Except for the digressions. Nearly a 100 (or something, I don't know, felt like 100) pages on Waterloo? Really, Victor? No thanks.

I love Liz Lemon.

Someone did not tell New York City that Punxitawny (I'm not looking up how to spell a groundhog's name) Phil saw his shadow today. Well, actually, we've received the news now, but earlier it was bright and sunny and at least 50 degrees (that's farenheit, Miz W). Mitch and I went out on our lovely fire escape and looked around the "backyard." The house right across the way has a chainlink fence with that round barbed wire stuff on the top like at prisons surrounding its pitiful little concrete lot. It makes me wonder.

But tonight it's going to snow! Or rain/snow.

This post isn't going well. But instead of just deleting it and trying again, I'll go with what I've got. I just won't continue the horror. I typed "horrow" first. Wow. As Liz Lemon would say, "shut it down."

Some things have changed since we spoke last.

This is where I live now:



This is the living room. Everything is so nicely furnished - not because I've been struck by the interior decorating bug - but rather because the lovely young woman from whom I am subletting is very fashion/pretty things-conscious. Please note Mitch's new Hilti drill gun in the red case by the window.



This is from the other side of the living room. The first picture was taken in front of the door to the hallway. That's our half-a-kitchen in the far middle. Please note coats HANGING UP on the pantry door (not dropped on the floor; Mitch and I are tidy now; really) and of course Penelope on the ottoman.



The bedroom. Not obscenely large, of course, but a good size. Through that barred window is our own little fire escape, which is very cool. We're on the fourth floor of a walk-up, by the way. That's not fun, but it's very good exercise. Very good.



The bathroom is not large. But the blue is a relatively nice color. Also, weird, the hot water knob in the shower gets SO HOT when it's on. You will give yourself second-degree burns if you grab it, so regulating water temperature becomes a deadly game of turn-knob-briefly-with-thumb-and/or-forefinger + sizzle + curse-word-of-your-choice + try again.



Looking down from the door of the bedroom through the apartment to Mitch standing in the entrance to the kitchenette. Bathroom on the right.



Stella - demure and beautiful as always. Also, hard to photograph, as always. Mitch's very late Xmas present from my mom draped over the back of the couch - navy blue J. Crew sweater.



Penny is not overly pleased. Maybe because it's not a great picture of him. The red bag is Mitch's Granny's Xmas present to me, which also arrived fashionably late (last Saturday when Mitch got here and the first time we'd seen each other since Xmas). It now holds quarters for laundry.



And that's us. Me a retard with no eyebrows and hair parted down the middle and Mitch, tall and dark and handsome and making us dinner.

Signing off for now. Tata!

This post is funny in relation to the subject of the last post.

I WANT A COCA-COLA SO BAD.

Why are there no caffeinated beverages in this house? This house is no home of mine. Yes, we have Cherry 7Up downstairs but you know, I really don't think that's going to cut it. I need my bubbles AND my energy. I would be tempted to run out to Taco Bell or something to get one - a drive-thru would mean I would not have to put on real shoes - but Jeopardy starts in 15 minutes and that's just not enough time.

This is so hard. If blogger had emoticons, I'd totally do the sobbing one. And maybe also the one that slowly turns red and pounds its fists.

Even Mountain Dew would do/dew/due...

At least I didn't have any cavities.

Alright, clarification. It's not that I'm dreading 2009 or being grumpy or whatever, it just kind of felt like just another day. Yeah, I watched the ball drop - by the way, seeing Dick Clark like that is just sad - but eh, January 1 always feels just the same to me as December 31. Also, I've spent New Years the past four or maybe even five years alone with my parents; it's not a favorite holiday for that reason.

I went to the dentist today. It took longer than I would have liked. People should not talk so much. Please, just clean my teeth, inspect them, then let me get out of there. Also, they did a panoramic x-ray today - I guess you're supposed to get them done every five years and now was just my time - but since I don't have insurance right now, it was pricey. Like $250 for the whole visit. And I didn't even know you could say no to something like that; I thought if the doctor tells you to do it, then you do it. But I guess that's not the case. Especially if you don't have insurance.

Dad's in Pensacola till Thursday, so it'll just be mom and me. I'm going to go crazy, I'm sure. And she's coming with me to Chicago this weekend - reading of Glossman's adaptation of Connecticut Yankee for City Lit - and sometimes I just feel like I REALLY need to get out of here. Like I should go to Cleveland until Mitch and I can make it to New York. I know she means well, but well, if you're around anyone too much, they can really start to piss you off. And you know my mom.

She's on the phone with grandma. Grandma's not doing well. I have very mixed feelings about this. Maybe - if I can keep this up, which I will, it's a RESOLUTION - I'll talk about that here.

Happy 2009!

I guess.